Are you an ass----? I bet you're not.

The most important conversation you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.

David Goggins

Your Most Important Human

When I became a parent, late in life, I felt I finally understood my purpose.  If you are a parent, especially a new parent, you understand how much of an epiphany this feeling is.  There I was, with a new human.  I was to take care of this human for the rest of my life, the job of parent never ends, it’s a life changing responsibility.  This was my job now, I was the caretaker of this human, and I was completely responsible for for the care, the nurturing, the emotional support, and the future of this new human.

Now, my daughter has recently left for University and I am without my human.  Oh, sure, the parental responsibility is never gone, but it is diminished.  They say that by age 12 you will have spent 70% of the time you will ever see your child.  By the time they are 18, like my daughter is now, you will have spent 90% of the time you will ever be with them.  Oof.  I am without a human for the first time in almost 20 years . . . or am I?

British dating coach and author, Mathew Hussey says it best when he explains that each of us, usually at an earlier age, is given a human.  You are responsible in every way for this human, its care is entirely up to you.  What you say to this human, how you care, feed, exercise, educate, and even the environments you place this human into will make an incredible difference in how this person will see the world, communicate to others, achieve or not, be happy or not, be saddled with regrets, or suffer from trauma for the rest of their lives.  The situations you put this human into will help develop this person into an amazing and successful person, or will saddle them with trauma that never ends, stunt their mental growth, and disable the mechanisms that help them grow, define themselves, and lead a happy and fulfilling life.

Most people don’t realize the amount of influence even the most mundane and routine messages that we communicate to our humans every day have on their outlook on life.  We can empower or derail the efforts of a person’s growth just by how we talk to them or frame their references when they are learning about the world.  The input from people who are closest to them have a magnified effect on the way they see themselves and their possibilities in the future.  Telling them they will be ok after a bad breakup, that they may have made mistakes but you love them anyway,  supporting them in times of failure and telling them they can learn from these mistakes and do better, even telling them that you love them as they are and that they are good people can have a powerful effect on the way they perceive the world and their place in it.  Tell them that they are enough.

On the other hand, telling them they are stupid every time they make a small mistake or calling them an obscene name if they miss a deadline or dent a car will have detrimental effects of the same magnitude.  Expecting perfection is another mistake that can shift a person’s sense of self from good to bad and inflict the person with a striking case of insecurity.

Who is this person we all have been empowered to care for?  It’s you.

Now, with this information at hand, read those last few paragraphs again and realize the power you have to change your life.  That power extends even beyond you, remember the Four Layers of Communication by Julien Blanc?  How you feel about yourself is the most important layer of communication.  Changing your self talk from diminishing epithets and harsh judgements to support and understanding will over time change the way you think about yourself.  This will make everything and everyone around you react differently.  Your confidence and warmth will precede you and lighten up the world around you.  Just like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others, before we can be of service to others, we must be of service to ourselves first.

The transformational therapist Marissa Peer takes this idea a step further in her well known practice by having patients envision they are talking to their best friend when they talk to themselves.  “You wouldn’t tell your best friend they are stupid if they make a mistake or miss a turn while driving.  You’d tell them that nobody’s perfect, and it doesn’t matter, we are all human and we will all get there sooner or later.”  Be supportive of yourself.  Don’t hold yourself to a level higher than the people you love and respect.  Instead, love and respect yourself, and although it’s good to hold high standards, expecting perfection is something unrealistic for both your friends and family . . . and yourself.

I remember seeing a demonstration by this youtube psychologist named Julie.  I love watching her because her sets are beautiful and it’s a joy to see her distribute life-changing epiphanies in  minutes.

She had a beaker of crystal clear water and told us this was our heart. The beautiful clear water represented the joys of life, happiness, love, empathy and understanding. She then slowly crumpled chunks of potting soil into the water explaining that this was anger, resentment, frustration, and sadness. The water in the beaker quickly became muddled with chunks of dirt and the color of the water changed from crystal clear to a dull grey.  After muddying the water with the emotions we all feel at some point in our lives, she began to pour clear clean water from a glass pitcher into the beaker which started to overflow and a very interesting thing happened.

As the water spilled over the rim, the dirt and grime was lifted out of the beaker along with the overflowing water and the beaker cleared up and became crystal clear once again.

Dr. Julie explained that just like the beaker, we must constantly add joy and understanding to how we look at the world.  Empathy, compassion, gratitude, these are the traits that will clear your heart of the emotions that will darken your perceptions and diminish your life.

It’s important to remember to pour these attributes into your heart, and the best way to do that is to talk to yourself like your best friend.  Love yourself by talking to yourself like you love . . . you.  It will let the muddy soil of negativity and hopelessness empty from your heart and be replaced by the crystal clear water of compassion, inspiration and support.  Remember to do this constantly so that your heart will overflow and sprinkle everyone around you with the clear waters of gratitude, affection and understanding, rather than the pessimism, bitterness, and anxiety of someone who is constantly belittling themselves and thinking they are unworthy.

We all shower on the lives of the people who are around us.  Would you rather have people feel refreshed by your presence like a cool spring rain or feel like they stood under a muddy roof with a leaky gutter every time they are near you?  I know that visual is a bit much, but think about it.  How are you really influencing the people around you?  I will bet the answer is making you cringe.  Fear not, my friend, for the answer is simple.  Be aware of your own influence.  Employ the mindset of service, to yourself, by talking to yourself like your best friend, not like you’re annoyed you exist.  Your heart will clear and the people around you will notice.

We must work to become better.  It is the true nature of our evolution and our growth.  To become better is our prime directive, and your first stop is you.